When I was a child, I had my first love. This person wasn’t beautiful nor was he ugly, but his personality made me fall in love. I met him through my best friend who sat next to him. When I first met him, I thought he was going to just be a new face and nothing else. I was wrong.

Our relationship grew to us talking during recess to walking together after school and hugging each other goodbye every day. Everybody knew I liked him and everybody thought he liked me. He was the sweetest person I’ve ever met, his smile was bright, his eyes were gentle, his scent was sweet, and his hugs were addictive. When he held me, it felt like everything surrounding me was immediately gone. All my worries and stress when his arms wrap around my waist and my nose buried in his neck. Even if our hugs were for a second, I still felt at home.

After a year of speaking to him, I realized that I fell in love with him. We had the same hobbies, music taste, and anime taste. But soon he got into gaming and he begun to immediately run home after school to play his games. I started to get sad and lonely so I came up with a plan. I was going to ask him if he liked me or tolerated me and when I get my answer, I’d tell him everything.

The next day, I saw him when I walked into school and I asked him the question. He playfully told he that he tolerated me. I needed a serious answer after school, I called him.

“Hey… I need to ask you a question and I know I already asked you this. Do you like me or do you tolerate me because I like you and I feel like you don’t take me seriously and I’m crying right now.” I say,

“Well, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…” he says awkwardly and there was a few seconds of silence.

“When you’re ready to tell me your answer, please message me.” I say and he agrees, I hang up.

30 minutes go by and he finally messages me.

‘I only like you as a friend. Sorry it had to turn out this way. Anyways, it’s late so I’m going to sleep.” He types quickly and gets off messenger.

‘If that’s what makes you happy, then whatever….’ I reply and our my phone down with tears rolling down my face.

“But I really love him.” I say and collapse on my bed.

We are still friends to this day but things have been uncomfortable around us. He doesn’t really like talking to me even if he doesn’t admit it because he’s the most unconfrontational person I’ve ever met. I still cry at night because of how everything could’ve turned out if he actually had feelings for me. I still talk to myself at night as if he’s in front of me.

I just wish everything could’ve turned out better.

Written by Joey Zhao


  1. Mine wasn’t first love, been having feelings lately for a close, but distant friend, had to come up and told him. He admits he likes me but couldn’t do long distance relationship. I felt bad and still uncomfortable with him, I regret telling him

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re human hun.
      Forgive yourself and just give yourself time.
      It happens.
      No one is perfect.
      Extend grace to yourself.
      The person that’ll love you will come.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. And that’s how you would have beautiful scenarios like this making people think whether if they should just contain the feelings and maintain the dynamics of the relationship rather than say it and have things become uncomfortable.

    Hmmmmmmm. Life sha. We just will never know. God help us every step of the way.

    Liked by 1 person

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